Wednesday's Walk 7/22/2009

I was made aware of this blog carnival by another beautiful blog,



She got it from the original blog, here where blogger Lynette Kraft writes "Join me for Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane! It's a brand new blogging opportunity designed to help you document those precious times in your life that you don't want to forget! If you print your weekly memories you can begin your own book that you can give to your children someday! (And pull it out every now and then to share stories with your family. Kids love to be told stories about themselves, and stories from momma's childhood!)"

So, here is my first "Wednesday's Walk."

My husband and I had been trying for a while, even before being married, if truth be known. Regardless of a paper document and vows spoken before friends and family, we were already committed to one another, just as much as when we said our vows. In our hearts, we were married. We both felt led, by God, that we were to go ahead and to try and start our family. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and knew it would take forever to get pregnant, and we wanted to avoid fertility treatments if possible. So, I charted my basal body temperature and we tried. But I never would ovulate. To get pregnant, you MUST ovulate. Your eggos can't get preggo if there aren't any eggos to begin with! So, needless to say, we ultimately ended up needing clomid. I was disappointed but also excited, since now we felt like we finally had a chance! Several months, and the clomid did work. I did ovulate. But we still never got pregnant. Til the 4th cycle. I got pregnant that January (2006). I was sick as a dog and definitely feeling the hormones pretty stoutly. Yet, I have always been a worrywort, so in the back of my mind, I had raging anxiety. When we had our first ultrasound, part of me wasn't surprised when they told us it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I had a blighted ovum. I was heart-broken, and though initially my doctor told me to hold to hope that a second ultrasound 10 days later would show a baby, maybe I had ovulated later than I thought. But I knew...from charting I knew exactly when I'd ovulated, and by my early positive on a home pregnancy test, I had to have gotten a positive at 4 days after ovulation for it to be as late as it was on the ultrasound. I did have more ultrasounds though, I never could give up completely, til I knew for sure. Each ultrasound was 10-14 days after the last one, with the very first one at almost 8 weeks. I was approaching 10 weeks, and at 15 weeks he said they would want to induce me versus a d&e, so I made the decision after the last ultrasound showed it was breaking down and there was still no sign of a baby at all. I knew then there was no hope. My baby was long gone.



I was heart-broken, but I trusted in the Lord's timing. This wasn't my baby, this was the Lord's baby, and He'd taken it back, nearly as soon as he'd given it to my body. For whatever reason, I had to trust in that or I would be eaten alive by fear, rage, and sorrow. So I had a d&e, my first ever stay in a hospital, and we named our baby Quinn Dallas, a name I felt worked for a boy or a girl. Dallas was my great great grandmother's middle name, and little did we know, but just a few short months later, we'd buy her house, even if we didn't know it at first. I kinda feel in my mommy gut that Quinn was a boy. Just a feeling. I wish we'd done the testing, but our insurance wouldn't pay for it and my doctor said there wasn't enough tissue regardless. I think it would help, if I had answers as to why it happened. But then again, I know it wouldn't.

But help most certainly did follow. We were given the green-light to try again, and again with the clomid we returned to TTC. A cycle passed, and nothing. But then we went on vacation, to Gatlinburg. I ovulated while there, we road a roller coaster at Dollywood, and we had fun with friends from my most favorite site ever in the world and lo and behold.



which led to this:



then this:



some more of this:



and finally, this:




So, I know now why I couldn't have Quinn here with me Earth. If I had not lost Quinn, I couldn't have Oscar and Matilda. And in a perfect world, I most certainly want all of them, including a miscarriage I had with my ex-husband. But it's not a perfect world. But God's will IS perfect, and I trust in that.